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crying lessons

by Mom Friend

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1.
Small 03:23
When he dragged you by the hair/to the bottom of the stairs/ I was too small to stop it And when you held my body down/ in the pool, trying to drown / I was too small to understand it But I’m not small anymore When you grabbed the kitchen knife/ our mother told me to hide/ ‘cause I was too small to see that And when you tore the bumper off/ only I could keep you calm/ But I was too small to be that I’m not small anymore I wish you could talk about/ these memories I can’t sort out/ when I was too small to perceive it I don’t hold any ill will/ but I carry that fear still/ If you’d’ve called it what it was, would they believe it? We’re not small anymore
2.
Undo 03:02
There’s a joke that I would send you/ but you won’t read it anymore There’s the things we were gonna do/ but that future’s not in store I miss the way you saw me/ I miss the way I felt When you would tell me stories/ when you’d talk about yourself But I would never undo the love that I spent on you Our knowing’s secondhand now/ I’m not sure how much you hear I’m not sure if I’d seem different/ than I seemed to you that year I miss how clear I saw things/ I miss that fevered start I’ve never been much good at / hiding my broken heart But I would never undo the love that I spent on you How long will it take you to forget that drunk email I never should have sent? For me to let go of that song you wrote? I burned up the paper but kept the hope ‘Cause I would never undo the love that I spent on you
3.
Blocked 03:57
I asked you for silence But you push through- small violence. Have you ever in your goddamned life just let things be and not done what you want, To give somebody what they need? How many times can a man lie on his deathbed and never learn a thing? How many times did I let you lift your regret above my suffering? You have not earned the right to know about my life. I’ve got it on paper: I’m cared for; I’m treasured. Ain’t nobody gonna raise their voice in anger or lay a hand on me. Ain’t nobody gonna say it didnt happen, ‘cause I know what I’ve seen. How many times can a man lie on his deathbed and never learn a thing? How many times did I let you lift your regret above my suffering? You have not earned the right to know about my life. You have not earned the right to know about my life.
4.
To Survive 03:01
The road you chose, I guess it goes/ farther than I thought it did Did you believe one day you’d leave? / did you plan it out when we were kids? Oh, to survive, you do what you need to Woah, you survived- so why do I still grieve you? When I am wronged, your anger’s strong/ you’d fight them all on my behalf But you can’t see how you hurt me/ there ain’t no taking those words back Oh, to survive, I’ll do what I need to Woah, you survived- so why do I still grieve you? I’m told I’m good, I’m understood by so many people now But I can’t shake that deepest ache when you don’t want me around Oh, to survive, we do what we need to Woah, you survived- so why do I still grieve you? Oh, to survive, you do what you need to Woah, you survived- so why do I still grieve you?
5.
Baby Blanket 03:01
They cauterized our father’s heart- another unearned brand new start. He’ll never give me what I need, so mine’s the heart no longer bleeds. This ain’t the way it has to be. I am not bound to misery- I am safe, I am wanted. There always is another choice. I have the blessing of my voice. I don’t have to be haunted. Our mother pays her penance now, took on a different sacred vow. I praised the spirit fervently, but no salvation flows through me. This ain’t the way it has to be. I am not bound to misery- I am safe, I am wanted. There always is another choice. I have the blessing of my voice. I don’t have to be haunted By all of the fear we did not deserve, all of the nights hiding under the covers All of the fear we did not deserve, all of the nights hiding under the covers All of the fear we did not deserve, all of the nights hiding under the covers All of the fear we did not deserve, all of the nights hiding under the covers

about

These are some songs I recorded myself that will probably never be played live, but have been a vessel for me to process and let go of some long-buried memories. Trigger warning for allusions to abusive family members; thank you for listening if it's something you're up for <3

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released August 14, 2021

written, played, recorded by Emily Backus

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Mom Friend Atlanta, Georgia

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